Not so done with love.

After a gloriously shit break-up, last year, i was done with love. I was hurt, sad, lonely, depressed ( i don't use that lightly), and stuck. I decided that since i was never going near boys again i should save up and run away. INDIA became a great idea. A culture shock. A change of pace, a challenge to take on alone. So i got myself together. Used planning India as a brilliant distraction, and also as a way to reassure myself i could do life on my own. Im not half bad at it.
Plans were made. 6 months to a year of travel. Keeping it cheap, and thus hard but worth it and doable.



Then at a friends encouragement i put myself on Tinder. It was laughable, i took the mick out of the profile thing and contented myself with the satisfaction of judging photos of folk. Some i even spoke to- but most got creepy or too full on and i just ignored them. Then i think it was a spell of madness, i spoke to a guy called "crouching" or something like that. We were chatting for s few days and he was cool enough so i gave him my number (still not knowing his real name). A week or so later the madness took me and i agreed to an utterly blind date, in the middle of no where, at the biggest wind farm in the UK, alone, with no phone signal, and didn't tell anyone what i was doing.  Woops...

We drank ice tea and watches a mediocre sunset, and talked bits and bobs. On the walk back to the car Kenny (as i now knew he was called) asked me; "On a scale of 1 to 10 how comfortable is this silence? 1 being totally comfortable." i said 2... and only because i wasnt sure how comfortable he found the silence. We laughed and totally agreed. That made me fall in love a little bit.



He then proceeded to get us utterly lost, in the middle of no where, late at night, with no phone signal, with a stranger and nobody knew where i was... I thought i was going to die at the hands of an axe murderer and everyone who had ever criticise my parents for raising us so freely was right.

 

He did not murder me, and instead delivered me safely to my door. So after a lot of nervous laughter i agreed to a second date. AND THE REST IS HISTORY.

        

Our first holiday together November 2014, we drove all around Scotland. West to east. Visited old castles with sea shell paths, hippy cafes in the middle of no where, walked up hills in the rain, saw a stag, stayed at an adorable old ladies B&B and took our first self timer selfie from the car.

   

Im pretty happy. Still going to India, but not running away to fix myself. Its a shorter trip and i cant wait to go and see some amazing places. But this guy will make coming home the sweetest part of my travels.

Who Do You Think You Are?

I have had a day, or at least and evening, of watching empowering woman speakers on TED talks. It has been good, i feel all woman powered up. I also feel like i can do anything and want to do everything.

 And then this video appeared:

First off i LOVE this lady, she is totally awesome. What caught my attention (more than her awesome coat and accent) was that bloody question "Who do you think you are?". This question has been asked of me so many times since the 1st of January 2015. I see it everywhere. Videos, adverts, at a church meeting i ended up in accidentally, strangers asked me on public transport. EVERYWHERE. Yet, even though i have been asked and made to think about the question i have totally avoided answering it. Even to myself.

I remember listening to an audio book as a child and the same question was raised to the characters in the story, and you know how these stories always have a sort of question or moral to challenge you at the end, this one said "Ask yourself who you are and what makes you you." I did, i wrote lists, i edited said lists i thought over and over, and could never define myself with anything i was happy to tell people. So i stopped trying to answer the stupid question. To this day have never found anything that defines Who I Think I am.

This is very frustrating, and i figured it would be something i naturally grew into knowing. However, this question has been persisting. It is on my mind, without being answered. Now i am starting to feel the answer wont just become me, i have to find the answer- i have to go searching. Look through everyone else's answers and decide Who I am.

This is the year i do that, or at least the year i start acknowledging the question, again, and decidedly coming up with and answer. I think i will be putting myself through experiences this year that will help me find out more about me and who i am.

I want to know because i want to know what i have to offer the world.

New things, good things.

Its been so long, i forget this is here. 

Update nubero one: I GOT A KITTEN

His name is Scotch. Its been a hard lesson in responsibility, but his cuteness makes it bearable.

Update two: I got a new Flatmate. 

She is wonderful. Her name is Sarah, and she has just became a fully qualified nurse! She has also become one of my dearest friends. I cant write much more before i start blubering- but she is a spectacular human being and i am truly grateful to have her in my life. 

These two are the biggest changes in my life, from the past few months, and

It is great to have them with me.

Night Roller.

There was nothing special about this evening. Just some casual night rolling with a friend and cheep photos.

I love this city, and these streets.

A Cup of Tea and A Window Seat.

In the first 6 months of 2013 i had visited 6 countries. I  learnt so much about life. And be reminded of the freedom in nature and travels (as cheesy as that sounds). I had traveled with people (mostly Americans) who highlighted what friendship is.

 I commit to traveling to some new places this year- for the right reasons.

On  the 9th of February i received a parcel from a friend that was filled with thoughtfulness. On the 22nd-24th of  March i met and fell in love with a whole bunch of wonderful people, who've become like family. On the 22nd of June i sat at a table, laden with food and wine and in the company of just a few of the most precious people i know. On July 19th till 23rd i sat in my best friends garden painting sticks. On the 20th of October i drank tea and sat in a friends living room, talking and painting each others portraits.

I look forward to investing in my friendships, and repairing the damage neglect has done. 

On the 8th of May 2013 i lay on-board a 32ft sailing boat, underneath a blanket of stars and Sky. With the fire of whiskey in my chest. And on the 17th of September 2013 i sat at a kitchen table with tea, toast and homemade jam.

I shall wonder and gaze at this world and its splendor and the simplest forms of beauty this year.

On the 21st of September 2013 I sat in a bus station, waiting on a very delayed bus. In my own tunnel and thoughts i watched a less able bodied, elderly gentleman struggle with his bags, and i didnt help. I didnt even notice what i was watching until another elderly gentleman (who had already given up his seat for a lady) gave him a hand with his bags.

I hope to find the joy in being nice to people again. 

On the 5th of December 2013 I sat at the window in my new room in the middle of a panic attack (one of many this year) as wind tore up the city and rain lashed on the glass pane. Again a beloved comforted me, and everything was okay- better for the bad experience actually.

I will get rid of some anxiety this year. 

 At 5.23 am on the 1st of January 2014 I was sat in a car holding back tears. I have forgotten and undervalued my most beloveds. I have undervalued you. I have criticized in fear and anger. I haven't apologized or thanked you enough times. I havent followed through the kind gestures i think of doing for you. Ive been pushing and running away this year- in a vain attempt to grow up. I have been quiet and distant. I have been unfair.

I know these things. I am sorry i dont know how to talk properly just now. Im working on it, this year.

I love yous.




Now here i am. With a cup of tea and a  window seat. The future a little hazy but exciting. And with all the wonderful company of my beloveds i shall take a deep gulp of tea and breath steady. I am up for this years adventures- may they be plentiful.

To A New Year.

So, welcome 2014. I look forward to the adventures.

"We live in the right time, even if it doesn't feel like it."

Buda and Pest.

A friend  [Scott] and i went to

We stayed in an eccentric hostel- very much suited to our taste.

The city is beautiful. Although every Hungarian you meet will tell you "You should have seen how beautiful the city was before the war." i have no idea how you could fit in any more architecture to wonder at.

Perhaps driving round the island, that seemed too out of place and other worldly to be located in the very centre of the river in such a buzzing city, was my favourite part. The trees were so huge and dense (even if it was mid fall) you could barely tell you were approaching huge mounds of building until you were within feet of them.

It was funny to be such a tourist. Its rare i travel with such luxury.

The art is unlike anything i have every seen.

Yet religion and her wealth sits so close to hypocrisy it clouds my appreciation.

It was a city full of memories and memorials. Learning from its past.

Perhaps my favourite day was escaping the city, to the hills and a graveyard.

Remembering and reflecting. Glad to escape the 9-5, yet still a little dull inside. 

We met such lovely people. Who shamed me with there language skills.

ERT

I had fun. I love the city. I like the people. And they have amazing food.

Solitude Saving my Soul.

.
I've been home, and settled, for a few moths now. The first week of my return im not sure i left the house once. I certainly wasn't leaving my bed before midday. I just needed to re charge.

 Since ive been home ive barely had a whole day alone. I work Wednesday through Saturday and get three glorious days off to do with what i please. But because i have three consecutive days off ive felt i had to make them into mini holiday every weekend. So ive went away visiting people-every weekend. Its been great fun, and ive had a great time. However, i felt myself dipping. I was becoming rude, internally frustrated and just exhausted. So this weekend rolled around and i just said no and cleared my calendar (genuinely blackened the three days out with a black marker).

And its been marvelous! I slept, a lot. i finished a book.. Took myself skateboarding!? Done some art! A rather big deal since i havent been able to write or paint properly since ive been home. Cried at "Saving Mr Banks". Took some photos. And of course vegetated for about 6 hours watching the first six episodes of the second season of the period drama "The Paradise"- have you seen those dresses and hats?!!

I feel so damn good- refreshed and energized. I want to be nice to everyone again! 

Solitude has totally saved my soul this weekend.