His name is Scotch. Its been a hard lesson in responsibility, but his cuteness makes it bearable.
Update two: I got a new Flatmate.
She is wonderful. Her name is Sarah, and she has just became a fully qualified nurse! She has also become one of my dearest friends. I cant write much more before i start blubering- but she is a spectacular human being and i am truly grateful to have her in my life.
These two are the biggest changes in my life, from the past few months, and
In the first 6 months of 2013 i had visited 6 countries. I learnt so much about life. And be reminded of the freedom in nature and travels (as cheesy as that sounds). I had traveled with people (mostly Americans) who highlighted what friendship is.
I commit to traveling to some new places this year- for the right reasons.
On the 9th of February i received a parcel from a friend that was filled with thoughtfulness. On the 22nd-24th of March i met and fell in love with a whole bunch of wonderful people, who've become like family. On the 22nd of June i sat at a table, laden with food and wine and in the company of just a few of the most precious people i know. On July 19th till 23rd i sat in my best friends garden painting sticks. On the 20th of October i drank tea and sat in a friends living room, talking and painting each others portraits.
I look forward to investing in my friendships, and repairing the damage neglect has done.
On the 8th of May 2013 i lay on-board a 32ft sailing boat, underneath a blanket of stars and Sky. With the fire of whiskey in my chest. And on the 17th of September 2013 i sat at a kitchen table with tea, toast and homemade jam.
I shall wonder and gaze at this world and its splendor and the simplest forms of beauty this year.
On the 21st of September 2013 I sat in a bus station, waiting on a very delayed bus. In my own tunnel and thoughts i watched a less able bodied, elderly gentleman struggle with his bags, and i didnt help. I didnt even notice what i was watching until another elderly gentleman (who had already given up his seat for a lady) gave him a hand with his bags.
I hope to find the joy in being nice to people again.
On the 5th of December 2013 I sat at the window in my new room in the middle of a panic attack (one of many this year) as wind tore up the city and rain lashed on the glass pane. Again a beloved comforted me, and everything was okay- better for the bad experience actually.
I will get rid of some anxiety this year.
At 5.23 am on the 1st of January 2014 I was sat in a car holding back tears. I have forgotten and undervalued my most beloveds. I have undervalued you. I have criticized in fear and anger. I haven't apologized or thanked you enough times. I havent followed through the kind gestures i think of doing for you. Ive been pushing and running away this year- in a vain attempt to grow up. I have been quiet and distant. I have been unfair.
I know these things. I am sorry i dont know how to talk properly just now. Im working on it, this year.
I love yous.
Now here i am. With a cup of tea and a window seat. The future a little hazy but exciting. And with all the wonderful company of my beloveds i shall take a deep gulp of tea and breath steady. I am up for this years adventures- may they be plentiful.
We stayed in an eccentric hostel- very much suited to our taste.
The city is beautiful. Although every Hungarian you meet will tell you "You should have seen how beautiful the city was before the war." i have no idea how you could fit in any more architecture to wonder at.
Perhaps driving round the island, that seemed too out of place and other worldly to be located in the very centre of the river in such a buzzing city, was my favourite part. The trees were so huge and dense (even if it was mid fall) you could barely tell you were approaching huge mounds of building until you were within feet of them.
It was funny to be such a tourist. Its rare i travel with such luxury.
The art is unlike anything i have every seen.
Yet religion and her wealth sits so close to hypocrisy it clouds my appreciation.
It was a city full of memories and memorials. Learning from its past.
Perhaps my favourite day was escaping the city, to the hills and a graveyard.
Remembering and reflecting. Glad to escape the 9-5, yet still a little dull inside.
We met such lovely people. Who shamed me with there language skills.
ERT
I had fun. I love the city. I like the people. And they have amazing food.
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I've been home, and settled, for a few moths now. The first week of my return im not sure i left the house once. I certainly wasn't leaving my bed before midday. I just needed to re charge.
Since ive been home ive barely had a whole day alone. I work Wednesday through Saturday and get three glorious days off to do with what i please. But because i have three consecutive days off ive felt i had to make them into mini holiday every weekend. So ive went away visiting people-every weekend. Its been great fun, and ive had a great time. However, i felt myself dipping. I was becoming rude, internally frustrated and just exhausted. So this weekend rolled around and i just said no and cleared my calendar (genuinely blackened the three days out with a black marker).
And its been marvelous! I slept, a lot. i finished a book.. Took myself skateboarding!? Done some art! A rather big deal since i havent been able to write or paint properly since ive been home. Cried at "Saving Mr Banks". Took some photos. And of course vegetated for about 6 hours watching the first six episodes of the second season of the period drama "The Paradise"- have you seen those dresses and hats?!!
I feel so damn good- refreshed and energized. I want to be nice to everyone again!
Usual tears are easy enough to hold back, and they are not often triggered by films or images very easily.
These are two images that struck a chord tonight. Without warning i was sobbing. Something about fathers and their children.
2002: A boy holds his dead father’s trousers as he squats beside the spot where his father is to be buried, surrounded by soldiers and villagers digging graves for victims of an earthquake in Armenia. (By Eric Grigorian)
2003: An Iraqi man comforts his four-year-old son at a holding center for prisoners of war, in the base camp of the US Army 101st Airborne Division near An Najaf. The boy had become terrified when, according to orders, his father was hooded and handcuffed. A soldier later severed the plastic handcuffs so that the man could comfort his child. Hoods were placed over detainees’ heads because they were quicker to apply than blindfolds. The military said the bags were used to disorient prisoners and protect their identities. It is not known what happened to the man or the boy. (By Jean-Marc Bouju)
I mean i don't particularly enjoy how much my father likes to hold my hand, but im glad he does- and can.
I've been comfort eating for years. Bad habit. Makes you feel better, then worse, then you stick two finger up to the world and feel better- for a little while. I eat cereal, sugary cereal. Cinnamon grahams are my favorite. Its something from my childhood i guess- i would eat cereal for breakfast lunch and dinner (and second breakfast...elevenses too) if i had been allowed.
Irreverent. Anyhoo...
I'm comfort eating for, i think, three reasons. However, whenever i think about it i add and take away about a million other things that are happening daily- I'm not the most emotionally stable or luckiest person generally.
Reason 1- The Boring: Heart Ache.
There are different components to this (several of the minor issues that pop up and disappear daily are contributed under this category- I am a sensitive person right!? gees! Sorry.) I got my heart broken. For the first time in a long time. Its getting harder instead of easier, mainly because i desperately try to detach myself emotionally when im falling in love, then point blank refuse to acknowledge that i ever was when my heart gets broken. So instead i get this long term, prolonged aching pain that grows for weeks. Until finally like two months later i sit down and hit that wall face on. Im hitting my face off that wall these past few days. Im told it gets better. Friendships are causing heart aches too. On two sides of the coin. Heads: I am leaving behind friends, necessary but hard. That's been the same story for year now- change is not my forte. Again that'll get easier. Tales: Since i seem to have hit this low ive been leaning heavily on friends- i have amazing friends, that let me do so. For that i cant be more grateful- but i dont like leaning on people. I dont like always having a problem to whine about. Recently i do. I am sorry for that. That heartache is just me beating myself up about moaning: identifying the trait i dislike; making myself accountable to it; and hopefully changing that about myself.
There are more, but they are too close to my heart for now.
Reason 2- The Bland: Moving Out.
I hate change. Its about time for this tho. My parents are moving out of our family home- the only home i ever remember living in. We moved in on Christmas day when i was like 3 years old. We roller-bladed around the house (i had the most awesome pink barbie 4 wheelers.) and i think there was an Elvis Christmas album playing (i could just be embellishing a childhood memory- but it makes a story. k!). This is my family home. A place of community, friends, and family. A refuge and retreat. Its the place i formed my routines and habits, a base. With an open door, open fridge policy. Since my parents are leaving its time for me to find my own home.
I have all the means to do so. Also im making home relationships difficult. Im making my own decisions, forming my own opinions, finding my own beliefs, and being an emotional teenage female- and a lot of these are currently conflicting with my my parents. And ive become, not confrontational. Well a bit, but mostly i just shut down. Be plain rude. I just cant talk about things yet because i havent made my mind up on them and it makes me emotional for some reason. And so, although im sure perhaps my parents would disagree, for me i think to improve and help my relationship with them and myself, i have to get a bit further away with my own space. Even if i think ill regret leaving these comforts- perhaps.
Reason 3- The Basic: What am i living for?
So im looking at flats. Tonight i found some more to view. I then sat and done some sums:
Yearly wage -Tax -National insurance -Rent -Food -Travel to work =£££
Thats how i broke my financial life down by necessity. The fact i have a sole focus on financial year (no matter how sensible or whatever) hurts a little inside. Is this what i deem as important? Is this what im living for? This whole system is what comes naturally to me- what i desire. BUT it is exactly what ive tried to train myself to live without: routine, selfish habit and financial security. Where is the story in that?! Where is the life? Do i achieve my aim in life (to make the world a little happier) by paying bloody taxes?
I dont know how to change this, for now, tho. I dont know what i want to do with my life for the short or long term. I know i want the result to be a few more smiles on peoples faces every day (im not a big thinker). But i dont know how im going to do that, yet.
There are a lot of buts. And the real answers are probably just selfish. So i comfort eat. It makes me feel better. For now.
It is to be expected, of course. If you've been 'free', or at least not committed to anything formally for almost a year, just a few weeks of the same place, same routine, same faces, same ness, is going to get boring. But thats not it. I'm not bored. I'm enjoying my job. Enjoying routine. Enjoying the faces i get to see. I'm enjoying the control i've gained. I wasn't in control when i was traveling- not really- i was at the mercy and kindness of strangers.
I have to settle. At least for a little while.
But the world is beautiful this time of year. The cold creeps in and you can wear large coats out. Leaves fall crisp on the ground and force you to walk with a spring in your step. The sunrise is more beautiful. And every city smells of anticipation.
I awoke yesterday morning to a delightful text, from a delightful lady. Only to find her and my mother in the kitchen, surrounded by the most delightful smell- home made jam cooking.
Yesterday was the start of this roller coaster going up.
Tea, a drink with jam and bread, that makes the day better and could cure the world.
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