Friday, 25 October 2013

Comfort Eating.

I've been comfort eating. 

I've been comfort eating for years. Bad habit. Makes you feel better, then worse, then you stick two finger up to the world and feel better- for a little while. I eat cereal, sugary cereal. Cinnamon  grahams are my favorite. Its something from my childhood i guess- i would eat cereal for breakfast lunch and dinner (and second breakfast...elevenses too) if i had been allowed.

Irreverent. Anyhoo...

I'm comfort eating for, i think, three reasons. However, whenever i think about it i add and take away about a million other things that are happening daily- I'm not the most emotionally stable or luckiest person generally.

Reason 1- The Boring: Heart Ache.

     There are different components to this (several of the minor issues that pop up and disappear daily are contributed under this category- I am a sensitive person right!? gees! Sorry.) I got my heart broken. For the first time in a long time. Its getting harder instead of easier, mainly because i desperately try to detach myself emotionally when im falling in love, then point blank refuse to acknowledge that i ever was when my heart gets broken. So instead i get this long term, prolonged aching pain that grows for weeks. Until finally like two months later i sit down and hit that wall face on. Im hitting my face off that wall these past few days. Im told it gets better.
     Friendships are causing heart aches too. On two sides of the coin. Heads: I am leaving behind friends, necessary but hard. That's been the same story for  year now- change is not my forte. Again that'll get easier.
Tales: Since i seem to have hit this low ive been leaning heavily on friends- i have amazing friends, that let me do so. For that i cant be more grateful- but i dont like leaning on people. I dont like always having a problem to whine about. Recently i do. I am sorry for that. That heartache is just me beating myself up about moaning: identifying the trait i dislike; making myself accountable to it; and hopefully changing that about myself.

There are more, but they are too close to my heart for now.

Reason 2- The Bland: Moving Out.

I hate change. Its about time for this tho. My parents are moving out of our family home- the only home i ever remember living in. We moved in on Christmas day when i was like 3 years old. We roller-bladed around the house (i had the most awesome pink barbie 4 wheelers.) and i think there was an Elvis Christmas album playing (i could just be embellishing a childhood memory- but it makes a story. k!). This is my family home. A place of community, friends, and family. A refuge and retreat. Its the place i formed my routines and habits, a base. With an open door, open fridge policy. Since my parents are leaving its time for me to find my own home.
      I have all the means to do so. Also im making home relationships difficult. Im making my own decisions, forming my own opinions, finding my own beliefs, and being an emotional teenage female- and a lot of these are currently conflicting with my my parents. And ive become, not confrontational. Well a bit, but mostly i just shut down. Be plain rude. I just cant talk about things yet because i havent made my mind up on them and it makes me emotional for some reason. And so, although im sure perhaps my parents would disagree, for me i think to improve and help my relationship with them and myself, i have to get a bit further away with my own space. Even if i think ill regret leaving these comforts- perhaps.

Reason 3- The Basic: What am i living for?

So im looking at flats. Tonight i found some more to view. I then sat and done some sums:

Yearly wage
                -National insurance
                -Travel to work

Thats how i broke my financial life down by necessity. The fact i have a sole focus on financial year (no matter how sensible or whatever) hurts a little inside. Is this what i deem as important? Is this what im living for? This whole system is what comes naturally to me- what i desire. BUT it is exactly what ive tried to train myself to live without: routine, selfish habit and financial security. Where is the story in that?! Where is the life? Do i achieve my aim in life (to make the world a little happier) by paying bloody taxes?

I dont know how to change this, for now, tho. I dont know what i want to do with my life for the short or long term. I know i want the result to be a few more smiles on peoples faces every day (im not a big thinker). But i dont know how im going to do that, yet.

There are a lot of buts. And the real answers are probably just selfish. So i comfort eat. It makes me feel better. For now.

1 comment:

  1. Idk if they have Eggo waffle cereal there, but I highly recommend it if you like maple syrup! my favorite cereal by far!
    Sorry to hear about the heart break and the difficult decisions. blogging is always a great outlet <3
    and you can always shoot me a message on FB!
    keep writing! I love it (: