Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Not so done with love.

After a gloriously shit break-up, last year, i was done with love. I was hurt, sad, lonely, depressed ( i don't use that lightly), and stuck. I decided that since i was never going near boys again i should save up and run away. INDIA became a great idea. A culture shock. A change of pace, a challenge to take on alone. So i got myself together. Used planning India as a brilliant distraction, and also as a way to reassure myself i could do life on my own. Im not half bad at it.
Plans were made. 6 months to a year of travel. Keeping it cheap, and thus hard but worth it and doable.

Then at a friends encouragement i put myself on Tinder. It was laughable, i took the mick out of the profile thing and contented myself with the satisfaction of judging photos of folk. Some i even spoke to- but most got creepy or too full on and i just ignored them. Then i think it was a spell of madness, i spoke to a guy called "crouching" or something like that. We were chatting for s few days and he was cool enough so i gave him my number (still not knowing his real name). A week or so later the madness took me and i agreed to an utterly blind date, in the middle of no where, at the biggest wind farm in the UK, alone, with no phone signal, and didn't tell anyone what i was doing.  Woops...

We drank ice tea and watches a mediocre sunset, and talked bits and bobs. On the walk back to the car Kenny (as i now knew he was called) asked me; "On a scale of 1 to 10 how comfortable is this silence? 1 being totally comfortable." i said 2... and only because i wasnt sure how comfortable he found the silence. We laughed and totally agreed. That made me fall in love a little bit.

He then proceeded to get us utterly lost, in the middle of no where, late at night, with no phone signal, with a stranger and nobody knew where i was... I thought i was going to die at the hands of an axe murderer and everyone who had ever criticise my parents for raising us so freely was right.


He did not murder me, and instead delivered me safely to my door. So after a lot of nervous laughter i agreed to a second date. AND THE REST IS HISTORY.


Our first holiday together November 2014, we drove all around Scotland. West to east. Visited old castles with sea shell paths, hippy cafes in the middle of no where, walked up hills in the rain, saw a stag, stayed at an adorable old ladies B&B and took our first self timer selfie from the car.


Im pretty happy. Still going to India, but not running away to fix myself. Its a shorter trip and i cant wait to go and see some amazing places. But this guy will make coming home the sweetest part of my travels.

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Who Do You Think You Are?

I have had a day, or at least and evening, of watching empowering woman speakers on TED talks. It has been good, i feel all woman powered up. I also feel like i can do anything and want to do everything.

 And then this video appeared:

First off i LOVE this lady, she is totally awesome. What caught my attention (more than her awesome coat and accent) was that bloody question "Who do you think you are?". This question has been asked of me so many times since the 1st of January 2015. I see it everywhere. Videos, adverts, at a church meeting i ended up in accidentally, strangers asked me on public transport. EVERYWHERE. Yet, even though i have been asked and made to think about the question i have totally avoided answering it. Even to myself.

I remember listening to an audio book as a child and the same question was raised to the characters in the story, and you know how these stories always have a sort of question or moral to challenge you at the end, this one said "Ask yourself who you are and what makes you you." I did, i wrote lists, i edited said lists i thought over and over, and could never define myself with anything i was happy to tell people. So i stopped trying to answer the stupid question. To this day have never found anything that defines Who I Think I am.

This is very frustrating, and i figured it would be something i naturally grew into knowing. However, this question has been persisting. It is on my mind, without being answered. Now i am starting to feel the answer wont just become me, i have to find the answer- i have to go searching. Look through everyone else's answers and decide Who I am.

This is the year i do that, or at least the year i start acknowledging the question, again, and decidedly coming up with and answer. I think i will be putting myself through experiences this year that will help me find out more about me and who i am.

I want to know because i want to know what i have to offer the world.